I have been struggling emotionally since Wednesday morning. I saw my doctor and he said everything is healing well. Thank goodness that physically I am feeling better than I was over the weekend. At the end of my visit he said I’m going to miss you and later on it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started crying. I have been crying on and off for two days. I’ve had him as a doctor for 16 years and he has been a big part of my life because of the endo. Well that is going to change now. It isn’t that I’m not going to see him at all because that’s not the case. I will see him once or twice a year but that will be a big change from the past. I began seeing him when he pretty much started seeing patients. And when I was in so much pain and struggling with endo at the beginning he believed me when my mother and others didn’t. This meant and means a lot to me. He has been *there* for me. This change is gonna be hard for me, at least in some respects. Emotionally I just need time.
In my struggles I prayed to God and He led me to this scripture verse:
Oracle on Tyre:
Wail, ships of Tarshish,
for your port is destroyed;
From the land of the Kittim*
the news reaches them.a
Silence! you who dwell on the coast,
you merchants of Sidon,
Whose messengers crossed the sea
over the deep waters,
Whose revenue was the grain of Shihor,* the harvest of the Nile,
you who were the merchant among the nations.b
Be ashamed, Sidon, fortress on the sea,
for the sea* has spoken,
“I have not been in labor, nor given birth,
nor raised young men,
nor reared young women.”
When the report reaches Egypt
they shall be in anguish at the report about Tyre.
I’ve got to be honest I’m not sure what this means or what message God was sending me. I am so drained that I am having trouble thinking.
I did read something over at SR’s blog that helped me out a bit. In her post What If We Are Where God Wants Us To Be? SR quoted this:
Vigilant through Our Trials
“Stop trying to think out a solution for the moment: there isn’t one. One day there may be; God will then show it to you. In the meantime, accept it all as being the big thing for God and His Church that He asks of you-that, and the depression too. You will find the relief of merely accepting, instead of struggling, wonderful; and I include in this, accepting anything in yourself, during the crisis, which seems to you a failure or fault. Don’t exonerate yourself, but just say you are sorry, briefly, to God, and add that your name is dirt-that’s what is to be expected from you-but you’re sorry, you are forgiven, and it is over.”
Then SR wrote this:
My Note: I loved this. Often times, we have feelings such as the writer described. We feel like“we are not holy enough,” “not trusting God enough,” or “not doing one thing right according to what we have been taught regarding our spirituality?” Sometimes our circumstances in life, cause many “emotions.” Fear, depression, anger, hurt, etc.
Maybe if we try and “stay in the moment,” “tell God we are sorry,” “ adding our name is dirt,”and “offering it to God,” He can take it and do something with it and us.
We are always trying to “overcome” what we feel are “wrong emotions.” At times life is hard, and we cannot help but to feel the way we do. What if we are exactly where God wants us to be, so He can give to us the solution?
This spoke to me. I needed to see this. Thank you for posting this SR.